ARIES: This month you will be 94% Spam. Sweet indigestible you.
TAURUS: Your totem animal this month is the “crazy cat lady”. Eat more fruit
GEMINI: You could lose a little weight.
CANCER: You’re spirit guide will be the fish taco. You know that you want it.
LEO: That strange smell seems to be coming from you
VIRGO: Try shaking the crap out of it this month.
LIBRA: You’d look better with a mullet…..or a trout
SCORPIO: Remember: It’s “Safety Third” month for you.
SAGITARIUS: Sometimes I think that sometimes you don’t
CAPRICORN: This month you will finally get that monkey off your face
AQUARIUS: Lumps
PISCES: Your lucky thing looks tired.