Taurus: This month you will get satisfaction guaranteed, or your monkey back.
Gemini: Very soon you will suck it and see
Cancer: You really should stop looking at horoscopes.
Leo: You’ve got a sin coming on, and it’s a good one.
Virgo: Don’t be afraid to exercise your will to won’t
Libra: Your unlucky super hero this month will be the Green Tea Bagger
Scorpio: For reasons only you know, you will smell of old books and gin.
Sagittarius: Sometimes the future is like a sausage. It’s better not to know what’s in it
Capricorn: The medication is on the way. Try humming to yourself while you’re waiting.
Aquarius: You look different today. Have you done something with your hair?
Pisces: Leave before the lights come on
Aries: You’re fucking awesome