SAGITARIUS: Your lucky placebo this month will be the Chiko Roll.
CAPRICORN: Soon you will join a band of ne’re-do-wells. How well will you do? Ne’re.
AQUARIUS: Is it weird in here, or is it just you?
PISCES: Your totem animal this month will be the blue arsed fly
TAURUS: Your lucky body part this month is the fooffle valve. Be Careful
GEMINI: Your totem animal this month is the “rats arse”. What’s that about?
CANCER: Your lucky colour is a mysterious food stain.
LEO: At the back of your cupboard is a potato plotting its revenge
VIRGO: Somehow, a small bird will lay an egg in you. You’re going to be a mum.
LIBRA: The thing you’ve been looking for is in the third draw.
SCORPIO: Stop eating the urine tainted peanuts in the Jetstar departure lounge of life. It’s time to move on.